The Rattlebridge Blog » HUMOR

The Hot Air Balloonist—politically incorrect!

Meredith — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 19:04:23 +0000

Sorta tells it like it is…

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"

Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault."

A BIT OF HUMOR ABOUT BEING 80 (which I am NOT lest you think so!)

Meredith — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 01:19:20 +0000

Will I Live to see 80?

Here’s something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’

He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’

Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
I said, ‘Not much… My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’
‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
Golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’

‘No, I don’t,’ I said.
He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?’ ‘No,’ I said…

He looked at me and said,.. ‘Then, why do you even give a shit?’

An Arnold Comment

Meredith — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 02:43:11 +0000

In honor of Governor Schwartzenegger,
a new commandment has been added to the Bible.

Be sure to write this one in underneath the other ten:

"Thou Shalt Not Sharest Thy Rod With Thy Staff"

TOO GOOD NOT TO SHARE!!!

Meredith — Mon, 30 May 2011 17:16:08 +0000

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And….

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!

The Black Bra

Meredith — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 03:45:19 +0000

I love this one:

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..
Here’s how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love this…..)

"What’s for dinner, Zorro?"

No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG – www.avg.com
Version: 9.0.872 / Virus Database: 271.1.1/3410 – Release Date: 01/29/11 01:37:00

This is what marriage is really all about . . .

Meredith — Sun, 20 Feb 2011 22:13:57 +0000

From one of my email friends (by the way, Al and I shared almost everything ((except the TV remote which he never shared holding it with a death grip)), but sharing only goes so far!!!

This is what marriage is really all about . . .

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife… He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine – They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.’

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you’re waiting for?’

She answered . . . .

(This is great . . .)
*******************

”THE TEETH.“

Revenge is Sometimes Very Sweet

Meredith — Fri, 18 Feb 2011 16:21:58 +0000

AN ACTUAL CRAIG’S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2010-09-27, 01:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head .. isn’t it?!

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, — on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb … after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what ‘s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you … but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

P.S. Remember this motto … An armed society makes for a more civil society!

I probably don’t have to ask you to forward this one.

And That’s When the Fight Started . . . My friends have weird senses of humor:

Meredith — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 04:29:59 +0000

I thought the following amusing for it shows men at their best. NOT!

And That’s When the Fight Started . . .

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that’s when the fight started. . .

******************************************************************

I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’ It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’
And that’s when the fight started.

******************************************************************
My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’
So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’
And that’s when the fight started…
******************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that’s when the fight started…..
*******************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first…
‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
‘Nah, she can order for herself.’
And that’s when the fight started…..
********************************************************************
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
the channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And that’s when the fight started…

********************************************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale.
And that’s when fight started..

*********************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes," she sighed, "He’s my old boyfriend; I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear he hasn’t been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that’s when the fight started. . . .

*********************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know
how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?”

And that’s when the fight started…..

*********************************************************************

SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST…..

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf,
always something more important to me and rightfully so!

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.”

And that’s when the fight started.

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

CANINE CHRISTMAS COMING

Meredith — Wed, 15 Dec 2010 04:10:54 +0000

You gotta see this!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUtPKbMwnRo

As you watch the frivolity in this youtube video, remember that all pets are not as lucky to enjoy the holiday season.

Please remember all the dogs, cats, and other animals suffering from starvation, cruelty, abandonment, and neglect in this season of giving. As the economy worsens, the plight of animals also worsens. Please do what you can do to help either by donating money to your local shelter, fostering a dog, volunteering at the shelter, and helping where you can. Not every dog, nor every child, will be safe, warm, fed, and loved this year. As I look at my well cared for lot, I cannot help but pray for the unwanted and thrown away animals in our society as well as all of our homeless and displaced people trying so hard to survive. As foreclosures increase, so do the number of abandoned pets and much worse the number of homeless people. Please give your time and money to our fellow man and those animals in dire need.

THE REFRESHING LONG LINE

Meredith — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 01:24:13 +0000

After standing in very, very loooong lines to at public women’s restrooms, especially at performance events, to the point of invading the men’s restroom in desperation, (Girls,be careful of certain performances to try this! Just don’t try slipping into the men’s john at a Hank Williams Jr. gig) it is most refreshing to see males, even canine, waiting their turn!!!!