Archive for the ‘HUMOR’ Category
October 8th, 2010 | 
Author: I loved this one since I am an Irish Blonde (okay, I am now turning a lovely shade of white which my hairdresser calls baby blonde, so there!!!).
AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO
An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the
casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll
of the dice.
She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier
when I’m completely nude’.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice
and with an Irish brogue yelled, ‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed…’YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’
The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’
MORAL OF THE STORY –
Not all Irish are drunks,
not all Blondes are dumb,
but all Men…. are Men.
Posted in 
Sent from on of my friends who has nothing better to do than forward stuff and I have nothing better to do than blog (not true, just procrastinating)
The following questions were asked in last year’s GED examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds’)………… My brilliant editorial comments are in red
AND THEY WILL REPRODUCE!!! AND PROBABLY BECOME POLITICIANS OR AT LEAST WORK IN GOVERNMENT
In fact I may have had their parents or grandparents in school! And I did try!
Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. (love this one!!! at least dead dogs were not mentioned)
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight. (nature abhors a vacuum on the moon yet??)
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist upon?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. (or in the case of our presidents, governors, presidential candidates etc. wins an election)
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.(Shoot yourself now, there
is little hope.)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. (At
least they get to travel!)
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So
true!)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. (very, very dangerous procedure)
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant.)
Q How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen.)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E,
I,O,U (at least this kid learned the vowel sounds in school!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie. (This person has a career in politics awaiting!)
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.
Q What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would
work.)
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Cesarean section’.
A. The Cesarean section is a district in Rome. (I love this one)
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit!) probably lived in the Cesarean part of Rome
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.(Irrefutable!)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like tiny
umbrellas.
Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (Brilliant)
I have thought about revising my living will after seeing this one!!!
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual
information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, ‘Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew
take you safely to Afghanistan ‘
An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
‘Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? ‘
When the attendant came by he said ‘Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?’
‘Yes,’! said the attendant, ‘In fact, this entire crew is female.’
‘My God,’ he said, ‘I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.’
‘
That’s another thing, Sergeant,’ said the crew member,
‘We No Longer Call It The Cockpit’
‘It’s The Box Office.’
Quote of the day:
‘Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.’
THIS IS PRICELESS:
If you’ve ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and
thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a
week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in
two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here’s four weeks’
pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s."
THIS IS PRICELESS:
Subject: Senior Church Moment
A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
that could pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave. Joe
Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims,
"If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year,
and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful
entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on
here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to
guarantee the college education of all his children,
More sighs and loud applause. Joe Tavares stands up and says “if the
preacher stays I will provide him with all the wine he wants.”
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
"If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!"
There is total silence.
The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie’s 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,
while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help,
and he said, "Screw him!"
Isn’t senility wonderful?
Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!!
The photo below reminds me of my cat, Emma. About nine years ago, I dug this little gray kitten from under a wooden barn floor. She was tiny and needed a home so I adopted her mostly as a companion for the cat love of my life, my Flippo. Flippo was a rescue kitten that thought he was a big dog. He bonded to me immediately, did his best to talk, followed me like a dog, and ran to me when called. My vet was amazed that I, a self avowed dog person, loved a cat as much as I loved Flippo. So since Flippo was without feline company, Emma became his buddy. Both of the cats were barn, hay loft, garage cats with laundry room privileges in the winter.
For the cats to be in the house, would be suicide on their part and homicide on the part of the ruling Cavaliers. When Flippo had to be put down because of a horrible and very fast growing (two weeks start to finish) mouth cancer, Emma became lonely but would never accept another cat companion although we tried to install one!
I tried to bring Emma into the house but she would have nothing of it and just hid from the dogs, hissing the whole time which gave her whereabouts a way. So she lived in the barn, garage, empty back kennel, and laundry room at night. She constantly followed me, talking or yelling at me the whole time. So when we left the farm and moved here, Emma came with us to be the garage and outdoor cat until the next door cat stalked her and beat her up a couple of times. She then demanded to be in the house and would not take no for an answer despite my grave misgivings. So we had no choice to bring Emma into the house hoping her new status did not make her a statistic with all the dogs she had blatantly teased for years.
Not to worry!! With her wicked side swipe, Emma ruled the house and the dogs from day one! She rules me! She sits beside me wherever I am, begrudgingly lets dogs join us. She sits by my computer as I type, editorializing with her adept paw. The dogs are afraid to walk around her, but I do see them curled up together sometimes. She sleeps with me wherever I light, bed or handy couch. I love her but realize that I, like the dogs, am only her toy and lowly subject!
Sometimes I feel just like this Bad Ass Mule!!
A couple from Montana were out riding on the range, he with his rifle and she (fortunately) with her camera. Their dogs always followed them, but on this occasion a Mountain Lion decided that he wanted to stalk the dogs (you’ll see the dogs in the background watching).
Very, very bad decision.
The hunter got off the mule with his rifle and decided to shoot in the air to scare away the lion, but before he could get off a shot the lion charged in and decided he wanted a piece of those dogs.
With that, the mule took off and decided he wanted a piece of that lion.
That’s when all hell broke loose for the lion. As the lion approached the dogs, the mule snatched him up by the tail and started whirling him around. Banging its head on the ground on every pass. Then he dropped it, stomped on it and held it to the ground by the throat. The mule then got down on his knees and bit the thing all over a couple of dozen times to make sure it was dead, then whipped it into the air again, walked back over to the couple (who were stunned in silence) and stood there ready to continue his ride as if nothing had just happened.
Fortunately, even though the hunter didn’t get off a shot, his wife got the pictures.
The Dog’s Diary
8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm – Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
The Cat’s Diary
Day 983 of My Captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now …
Cute Story!
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the Hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?