INTERESTING OBSERVATION 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is  BASKETBALL. 2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is  BOWLING. 3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is  FOOTBALL. 4 The sport of choice for supervisors is  BASEBALL. 5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. And…. 6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is  GOLF. THE AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. There must be a ton of people in Washington playing marbles!

" I love this one: The  Black Bra (as told by a woman) I had lunch with 2 of my  unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have  been married for 20+  years. We were chatting about our relationships and  decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the  door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask  over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange  notes.. Here’s how it all  went. My  engaged friend: The  other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather  bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the  woman of my dreams. I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night  long.  The  mistress: Me  too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a  raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes.  When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble  and we had wild sex all night.  Then  I had to share my story: When  my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me  he said, (you are going to  love this…..)   "What’s  for dinner,  Zorro?"

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From one of my email friends (by the way, Al and I shared almost everything ((except the TV remote which he never shared holding it with a death grip)), but sharing only goes so far!!!

This is what marriage is really all about . . .

He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife… He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine – They were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.’

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you’re waiting for?’

She answered . . . .

(This is great . . .)
*******************

”THE TEETH.“

AN ACTUAL CRAIG’S LIST PERSONALS AD To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last. Date: 2010-09-27, 01:43 a.m.  E.S.T. I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message. First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head .. isn’t it?! I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again]. After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, — on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!] I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb … after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car. Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what ‘s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.). In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you … but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day! Thoughtfully yours, Alex P.S. Remember this motto … An armed society makes for a more civil society! I probably don’t have to ask you to forward this one.

 

I thought the following amusing for it shows men at their best.  NOT!

And That’s When the Fight Started . . .

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that’s when the fight started. . .  

****************************************************************** 

I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’ It warmed my heart to see  her face melt in sweet appreciation. ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’
And that’s when the fight started.

****************************************************************** 
My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’
So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’
And that’s when the fight started…
******************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that’s when the fight started….. 
*******************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first…
‘I’ll  have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
‘Nah, she can order for herself.’
And that’s when the fight started….. 
********************************************************************   
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
the channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And that’s when the fight started…

********************************************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale.
And that’s when fight started..

*********************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"  "Yes," she sighed, "He’s my old boyfriend;  I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear he hasn’t been sober since."

"My God!"  I said, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that’s when the fight started. . . .

*********************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know
how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?”

And that’s when the fight started….. 

*********************************************************************

SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST…..

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf,
always something more important to me and rightfully so!

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.”

And that’s when the fight started.

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.    

 

You gotta see this!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUtPKbMwnRo

As you watch the frivolity in this youtube video, remember that all pets are not as lucky to enjoy the holiday season.

Please remember all the dogs, cats, and other animals suffering from starvation, cruelty, abandonment, and neglect in this season of giving.  As the economy worsens, the plight of animals also worsens.  Please do what you can do to help either by donating money to your local shelter, fostering a dog, volunteering at the shelter, and helping where you can. Not every dog, nor every child, will be safe, warm, fed, and loved this year.  As I look at my well cared for lot, I cannot help but pray for the unwanted and thrown away animals in our society as well as all of our homeless and displaced people trying so hard to survive. As foreclosures increase, so do the number of abandoned pets and much worse the number of homeless people.  Please give your time and money to our fellow man and those animals in dire need.

After standing in very, very loooong lines to at public women’s restrooms, especially at performance events, to the point of invading the men’s restroom in desperation, (Girls,be careful of certain performances to try this!  Just don’t try slipping into the men’s john  at a Hank Williams Jr. gig) it is most refreshing to see males, even canine, waiting their turn!!!!

I loved this one since I am an Irish Blonde (okay, I am now turning a lovely shade of white which my hairdresser calls baby blonde, so there!!!).

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

                An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the
casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll
of the dice.

                She said, ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier
when I’m completely nude’.

                With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice
and with an Irish brogue yelled, ‘Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!’

                As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed…’YES! YES! I WON, I WON!’

                She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

                The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

                Finally, one of them asked, ‘What did she roll?’

                The other answered, ‘I don’t know – I thought you were watching.’

                MORAL OF THE STORY –

                   Not all Irish are drunks,
                not all Blondes are dumb,
                but all Men…. are Men.

Sent from on of my friends who has nothing better to do than forward stuff and I have nothing better to do than blog (not true, just procrastinating)

The following questions were asked in last year’s GED examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds’)………… My brilliant editorial comments are in red

AND THEY WILL REPRODUCE!!! AND PROBABLY BECOME POLITICIANS OR AT LEAST WORK IN GOVERNMENT

In fact I may have had their parents or grandparents in school! And I did try!

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants
like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. (love this one!!! at least dead dogs were not mentioned)

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight. (nature abhors a vacuum on the moon yet??)

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist upon?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election. (or in the case of our presidents, governors, presidential candidates etc. wins an election)

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.(Shoot yourself now, there
is little hope.)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. (At
least they get to travel!)

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So
true!)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. (very, very dangerous procedure)

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant.)

Q How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen.)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the
heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E,
I,O,U    (at least this kid learned the vowel sounds in school!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie. (This person has a career in politics awaiting!)

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.

Q What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would
work.)

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Cesarean section’.
A. The Cesarean section is a district in Rome. (I love this one)

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit!) probably lived in the Cesarean part of Rome

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.(Irrefutable!)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like tiny
umbrellas.

Q. Use the word ‘judicious’ in a sentence to show you understand its
meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (Brilliant)

I have thought about revising my living will after seeing this one!!!