Archive for the ‘HUMOR’ Category
July 3rd, 2011 | 
Author: |
Sorta tells it like it is… A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude. "She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican." "I am," replied the man. "How did you know?" Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me." The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat." "I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?" "Well," said the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it’s my fault." |
Posted in 
|
|
In honor of Governor Schwartzenegger,
Be sure to write this one in underneath the other ten:
"Thou Shalt Not Sharest Thy Rod With Thy Staff" |
INTERESTING OBSERVATION 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.And…. 6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
|
|
"
|
No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG – www.avg.com
Version: 9.0.872 / Virus Database: 271.1.1/3410 – Release Date: 01/29/11 01:37:00
From one of my email friends (by the way, Al and I shared almost everything ((except the TV remote which he never shared holding it with a death grip)), but sharing only goes so far!!!
This is what marriage is really all about . . .
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife… He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple – all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine – They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.’
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you’re waiting for?’
She answered . . . .
(This is great . . .)
*******************
”THE TEETH.“
|
I thought the following amusing for it shows men at their best. NOT!
And That’s When the Fight Started . . .
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that’s when the fight started. . .
******************************************************************
I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’ It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’
And that’s when the fight started.
******************************************************************
My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were
in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’
So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’
And that’s when the fight started…
******************************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that’s when the fight started…..
*******************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first…
‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
He said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
‘Nah, she can order for herself.’
And that’s when the fight started…..
********************************************************************
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
the channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And that’s when the fight started…
********************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale.
And that’s when fight started..
*********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes," she sighed, "He’s my old boyfriend; I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear he hasn’t been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that’s when the fight started. . . .
*********************************************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know
how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?”
And that’s when the fight started…..
*********************************************************************
SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST…..
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf,
always something more important to me and rightfully so!
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.”
And that’s when the fight started.
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
You gotta see this!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AUtPKbMwnRo
As you watch the frivolity in this youtube video, remember that all pets are not as lucky to enjoy the holiday season.
Please remember all the dogs, cats, and other animals suffering from starvation, cruelty, abandonment, and neglect in this season of giving. As the economy worsens, the plight of animals also worsens. Please do what you can do to help either by donating money to your local shelter, fostering a dog, volunteering at the shelter, and helping where you can. Not every dog, nor every child, will be safe, warm, fed, and loved this year. As I look at my well cared for lot, I cannot help but pray for the unwanted and thrown away animals in our society as well as all of our homeless and displaced people trying so hard to survive. As foreclosures increase, so do the number of abandoned pets and much worse the number of homeless people. Please give your time and money to our fellow man and those animals in dire need.
After standing in very, very loooong lines to at public women’s restrooms, especially at performance events, to the point of invading the men’s restroom in desperation, (Girls,be careful of certain performances to try this! Just don’t try slipping into the men’s john at a Hank Williams Jr. gig) it is most refreshing to see males, even canine, waiting their turn!!!!
