Archive for the ‘HUMOR’ Category

The Dog’s Diary

  8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
  9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
  9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
  1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
  3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
  5:00 pm – Dinner! My favorite thing!
  7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
  8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

 Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now …

Cute Story!

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the Hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

American ingenuity is not over, just crops up in different places such as funny emails.

Now, Ladies, don’t get any ideas . . .

How to Get Away with Murder:

Dear  Tide:

I  am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it all of my  married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my  fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some  red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative   to  my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came
out! In fact, the  stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that  the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and  said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my  husband.

What  a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great  product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Ronda

The Donkey

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.

The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up..

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well, and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred – Forgive.
Free your mind from worries – Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less.

NOW ……. Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON:

When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

The Dog Gave It Away

I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING YESTERDAY.

I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT OF IT UNTIL THE OFFICER LOOKED AT MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT . . .

A Canadian friend of mine sent me this.   I love it!!!   It would certainly not be considered politically correct, but warning to all:  my new year’s resolution is to drop all pretense of political correctness as our country is drowning in it!  I wish we could turn back the clock and as a country return to moral and ethical correctness. 

A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,
complaining about the treatment of  captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She received back the following reply:

National Defence Headquarters
Maj.Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2 Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called ‘Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers’ program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his ‘attitudinal problem’ will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I’m sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of ‘respecting his culture and religious beliefs’ as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man You take good care of Ahmed and remember, we’ll be watching. Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,
Gordon O’Connor
Minister of National Defense

No, not the wonderful poem with the line “Tyger, Tyger Burning Bright” (if I remember correctly the poem was by Blake–someone please correct me if I am wrong as I am too lazy and tired to look it up), but our own Tiger who has gotten out of his cage. I don’t think that it would matter quite so much if he had not projected the picture of morality and respectful son and husband for so long. He was a hero and an example to kids especially minority kids who could dream of playing golf and being accepted in a game long dominated by whites in country club settings where African Americans were not always welcome. Tiger broke down barriers and was helping to make golf accessible to all. I thought he had real character, but I was so wrong.  I believe that more than many other athletes and celebrities and their bad boy antics, he had the responsibility to lead by example just as our President, also breaking the race barrier, seems to be doing.  Maybe I held Tiger in too much esteem as I began to watch golf on television because of him; I followed his career, watched him play, and admired him for the work he was doing for our youth by founding centers to help teach those not successful in school.  I am very, very disappointed that he has now joined the ranks of our “bad boy” athletes and celebrities who do not pay attention to whom they hurt when they cross the line of behaving correctly; his behavior may not stop his career or change the attitude of those who wish to ignore his morality and separate it totally from his sports career, but there are many of us who are very saddened by the fact that one more respected athlete or celebrity has joined the ranks of  those who feel that they are entitled to do whatever the hell they want without any regard for the chances they had to be sterling examples of public figures, who despite all the temptations of fame and money, choose to live their lives above reproach. I really do not wish to judge; but his apparent lack of character speaks for itself. I do not know who wrote the following; I just wish it had been me:

 Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
    Tiger Woods came a flyin’, chased by his spouse..
    She wielded a nine iron and wasn’t too merry,
    Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.
    He’d been cheatin’ on Elin, and the story progressed.
    Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
    He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
    With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.
    From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.
    With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
    When not in their pants, he was sendin’ them texts.
    And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
    “If you’re gettin’ laid then I’m gettin’ paid.”
    Despite all his cryin’ and beggin’ and pleadin’,
    Tiger’s wife went investin’ — a new home in Sweden.   
    She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
    Her pre nup made Christmas come early this year.

News Flash:

A passenger plane from Dallas to Columbus, Ohio, was delayed one and one half hours getting in (whether landing or unloading is not clear) because a whole bunch of those lovable, frolicking, quick moving otters (usually found in water not cargo holds) evidently got loose in the cargo hold of the plane.  Now how does one catch scampering, hide ‘n’ go seeking otters among suitcases, boxes, and other cargo. Why were they on the plane and where were they headed, up north for the winter perhaps?  Stay tuned until this mystery unravels hopefully on the morning news!

Recently, in large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. 

It read:
THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?

A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life; they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.  They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs.  They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.  They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don’t exist.  If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis.  Fish or human?  They don’t have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex?  Therefore they don’t have kids either. 

Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver and a piece of chocolate with my friends.  With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.  So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. 

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, “Good gosh, look how smart I am.”

Now, I, Meredith, must be one of the smartest women in the world!  until next time. Just wait to see how much smarter I am even after this Christmas! Until next time . . .

Our politics are so screwed up; we seem to have lost what we once stood for in our country.  Just read the following for a chuckle and maybe a story just too close to the truth:

Curtis &Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.  The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”

Curtis & Leroy replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”

The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”

Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”

Leroy said, “We shore can!  Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!”

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis &Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly  grocery store and asked.
“What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They said,”We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”

Leroy said,”Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.”

The farmer said,”My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”

Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.”

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They’re overseeing the Bailout Program.

Limit all US politicians to two terms.
One in office
One in prison
Illinois already does this!

 I CERTAINLY HOPE THIS DOES NOT OFFEND ANYONE: IT MAY NOT BE POLITICALLY CORRECT, BUT I THINK IT’S FUNNY

Wait until Al sees our new door knocker! 

Where can I order one of these!