While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.s on board the usual
information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, ‘Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew
take you safely to Afghanistan ‘

An old MSgt. sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
‘Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? ‘

When the attendant came by he said ‘Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?’
‘Yes,’! said the attendant, ‘In fact, this entire crew is female.’

‘My God,’ he said, ‘I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don’t know what to think
with only women up there in the cockpit.’
‘

That’s another thing, Sergeant,’ said the crew member,
‘We No Longer Call It The Cockpit’ 
‘It’s The Box Office.’ 

Quote of the day:

‘Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.’

THIS IS PRICELESS:

If you’ve ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and
thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant
business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a
week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in
two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here’s four weeks’
pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s."

THIS IS PRICELESS:

Subject:  Senior Church Moment

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation
that could pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave. Joe
Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the city stands up and proclaims,
"If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year,
and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful
entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If the Preacher will stay on
here, I’ll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to
guarantee the college education of all his children,

More sighs and loud applause. Joe Tavares stands up and says “if the
preacher stays I will provide him with all the wine he wants.”

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
"If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!"

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie’s 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his
forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side,
while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help,
and he said, "Screw him!"

Isn’t senility wonderful?

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!!

 

The photo below reminds me of my cat, Emma.  About  nine years ago, I dug this little gray kitten from under a wooden barn floor. She was tiny and needed a home so I adopted her mostly as a companion for the cat love of my life, my Flippo. Flippo was a rescue kitten that thought he was a big dog.  He bonded to me immediately, did his best to talk, followed me like a dog, and ran to me when called.  My vet was amazed that I, a self avowed dog person, loved a cat as much as I loved Flippo.  So since Flippo was without feline company, Emma became his buddy. Both of the cats were barn, hay loft, garage cats with laundry room privileges in the winter.

For the cats to be in the house, would be suicide on their part and homicide on the part of the ruling Cavaliers.  When Flippo had to be put down because of a horrible and very fast growing (two weeks start to finish) mouth cancer, Emma became lonely but would never accept another cat companion although we tried to install one!

I tried to bring Emma into the house but she would have nothing of it and just hid from the dogs, hissing the whole time which gave her whereabouts a way. So she lived in the barn, garage, empty back kennel, and laundry room at night.  She constantly followed me, talking or yelling at me the whole time.  So when we left the farm and moved here, Emma came with us to be the garage and outdoor cat until the next door cat stalked her and beat her up a couple of times. She then demanded to be in the house and would not take no for an answer despite my grave misgivings. So we had no choice to bring Emma into the house hoping her new status did not make her a statistic with all the dogs she had blatantly teased for years.

Not to worry!!  With her wicked side swipe, Emma ruled the house and the dogs from day one! She rules me!  She sits beside me wherever I am, begrudgingly lets dogs join us. She sits by my computer as I type, editorializing with her adept paw. The dogs are afraid to walk around her, but I do see them curled up together sometimes. She sleeps with me wherever I light, bed or handy couch.  I love her but realize that I, like the dogs, am only her toy and lowly subject!

 

 

YOU HAVE GOTTA SEE THIS!!!

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8OgkyRVaWoU&feature=player_embedded

 

Sometimes I feel just like this Bad Ass Mule!!

 

A couple from Montana were out riding on the range, he with his rifle and she (fortunately) with her camera.     Their dogs always followed them, but on this occasion a Mountain Lion decided that he wanted to stalk the dogs (you’ll see the dogs in the background watching).
   

Very, very bad decision.
   

The hunter got off the mule with his rifle and decided to shoot in the air to scare away the lion, but before he could get off a shot the lion charged in and decided he wanted a piece of those dogs.
   

With that, the mule took off and decided he wanted a piece of that lion.
   

That’s when all hell broke loose for the lion.     As the lion approached the dogs, the mule snatched him up by the tail and started whirling him around.  Banging its head on the ground on every pass.  Then he dropped it, stomped on it and held it to the ground by the throat.  The mule then got down on his knees and bit the thing all over a couple of dozen times to make sure it was dead, then whipped it into the air again, walked back over to the couple (who were stunned in silence) and stood there ready to continue his ride as if nothing had just happened.
 

Fortunately, even though the hunter didn’t get off a shot, his wife got the pictures.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Dog’s Diary

 

  8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!
  9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!
  9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm – Milk bones! My favorite thing!
  1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
  3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
  5:00 pm – Dinner! My favorite thing!
  7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
  8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!

 

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

 Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now …

Cute Story!

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the Hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

 

American ingenuity is not over, just crops up in different places such as funny emails.

 

 

Now, Ladies, don’t get any ideas . . .

How to Get Away with Murder:

Dear  Tide:

I  am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it all of my  married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my  fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some  red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative   to  my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came
out! In fact, the  stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that  the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and  said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my  husband.

What  a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great  product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

Ronda

The Donkey

One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.

The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.

Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up..

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well, and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

Free your heart from hatred – Forgive.
Free your mind from worries – Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less.

NOW ……. Enough of that crap. The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON:

When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

 

The Dog Gave It Away

I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING YESTERDAY.

I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT OF IT UNTIL THE OFFICER LOOKED AT MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT . . .

 

 

A Canadian friend of mine sent me this.   I love it!!!   It would certainly not be considered politically correct, but warning to all:  my new year’s resolution is to drop all pretense of political correctness as our country is drowning in it!  I wish we could turn back the clock and as a country return to moral and ethical correctness. 

A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,
complaining about the treatment of  captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She received back the following reply:

National Defence Headquarters
Maj.Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2 Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called ‘Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers’ program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint. It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his ‘attitudinal problem’ will help him overcome these character flaws. Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.

Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I’m sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of ‘respecting his culture and religious beliefs’ as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man You take good care of Ahmed and remember, we’ll be watching. Good luck and God bless you.

Cordially,
Gordon O’Connor
Minister of National Defense