REVENGE ON THE TELEMARKETER

Three Little Words That Work!!

(1) The three little words: ‘Hold On, Please…’
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off ( instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear BT’s ‘beep-beep-beep’ tone, you know it’s time to go back and hang up your handset ….. you have efficiently completed your task.
These three little words could help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and record s the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is then used to determine the best time of day for a ‘real’ salesperson to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering: If you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialled the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!

3: When you get those ‘pre-approved’ letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-prepaid return envelopes, right?
It costs them more than the regular postage ‘IF’ and when they are returned. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-prepaid return envelopes.

Send an advert for your local chimney sweeper to American Express … they might need one!
Send a pizza coupon to HSBC … in case their canteen packs up. You get the idea. If you didn’t get anything else that day, then just send them back their blank application form ….. after all, it is their form!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn’t on anything you return.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them, and it is their envelope after all .. you are just returning it!!!!

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the post, but folks ….. we need to OVERWHELM them, in order to stop them.

Let’s let them know what it’s like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they’re paying for it … Twice!

Let’s help keep Royal Mail busy. Since the Royal Mail are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, let’s help them so they will not need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work —- maybe you’ll get very little junk mail anymore.

THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE E-MAIL THAT YOU WILL WANT TO FORWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS!!!!!!!

 

Forwarded by a friend:

Political Humor Not Really Funny

Sometime this year,  we taxpayers will again receive another ‘Economic Stimulus’ Payment.  This is indeed a very exciting program,  and I’ll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q.   What is an ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment ?

A.   It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.   Where will the government get this money ?

A.   From taxpayers.

Q.   So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A.   Only a smidgen of it.

Q.   What is the purpose of this payment ?

A.   The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set,  thus stimulating the economy.

Q.   But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?

A .   Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:       

    *  If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart,  the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
    *  If you spend it on gasoline,  your money will go to the Arabs.

    *  If you purchase a computer,  it will go to India , Taiwan or China

*  If you purchase fruit and vegetables,  it will go to Mexico ,  Honduras and Guatemala .

    *  If you buy an efficient  car,  it will go to Japan or Korea . 

    *  If  you purchase useless stuff,  it will go to Taiwan .

    *  If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock,  it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead,  keep the money in America by:

1)  Spending it at yard sales,  or     

2)  Going to ball games,  or   

3)  Spending it on prostitutes,  or     

4)  Beer or     

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !

Works for me!

 

I just can’t help myself . . .

AN ITALIAN BOY’S CONFESSION

‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl’.

The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?’

‘Yes, Father, it is.’

‘And who was the girl you were with?’

‘I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation’.

“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?’

‘I cannot say.’

‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’

‘I’ll never tell.’

‘Was it Gina Capelli?’

‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.’

‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’

‘My lips are sealed.’

‘Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?’

‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you.’

The priest sighs in frustration.
‘You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you’ve sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself..’

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get ?’

‘Four months vacation and five good leads.’

A woman brought a  very limp duck into a veterinary  surgeon.  As she  laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and  listened to the bird’s chest.

After a  moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry,  your Duck Cuddles has passed away.”

The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I  am sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.

“How can  you be so sure,” she protested.

“I mean,  you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a  coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes,  turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a  black Labrador retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement,  the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination  table and sniffed the duck from top to  bottom.

He then looked at the vet  with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it  out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the  table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat  sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out  of the room.

The vet looked at the woman  and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100%  certifiably, a dead duck.”

Then the vet turned to his  computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed  to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.”$150!” she cried, “$150 just to  tell me my duck is dead?!!”

The vet  shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have  been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now  $150.00.”

And . . .

 

“THE BLOND AND THE COW”

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy:

‘The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow’s stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?’

The rancher leaves for the fields. After awhile, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, ‘This is the one right here.’

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blond, asks, ‘Tell me lady, ’cause I’m dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?’

‘That’s simple,” she said. “By the nail that’s over its stall,’ she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, ‘And what, pray tell, is the nail for?

The blond turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

‘I guess it’s to hang your pants on.’

( It’s nice to see a blond winning once in awhile.)

Now I warned you I had a very odd sense of humor–not my fault, but the fault of all my daffy friends who keep sending this stuff to me!

 

 

I will not incriminate the friend who sent this to me, but I believe this diet was meant for me. Hell, I think I have been following this diet since age five and keep going back to it when I begin to get too shapely!!!  I wonder where I got the fat gene?

Breakfast

   1 grapefruit
   1 slice whole wheat toast
   1 cup skim milk

Lunch

   1 small portion lean, steamed chicken
   1 cup spinach
   1 cup herbal tea
   1 Hershey’s kiss  

Afternoon Tea

   1 The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the
       bag
   1 tub of Hagan Daz fudge ice cream

Dinner

   4 glasses of wine (red or white)
   2 loaves garlic bread
   1 family size supreme pizza
   3 Snickers Bars

Late Night Snack

   1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts.

Handle every stressful situation like a dog.  Pee on it and walk.  (oh, if only it were that easy!)

 

If you cannot just click on link to open or right click and open the link,  then just copy and paste.  This one really made me laugh!

commercial from a European maker of rubber cement:

http://www.culturepub.fr/videos/rubber-cement-colle-les-nonnes.html

only an Irish Catholic would love this . . .

5 NUNS IN A  BAR

Sisters  Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, and Mary  Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New
York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July.  It was hot and  humid
in the city and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable,  they
decided to stop in at Patty McGuire’s Pub for a cold soft  drink.

Patty had recently added special legs to his  barstools which were the
talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood.  All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar
and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty
entered the bar through the front door.

They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked  and almost fainted
at what they  saw.

Funny Moments in the Courtroom

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

****************************

A bit of humor from my friend Jenny Hall in the UK:

We are in DEEP trouble…

The population of the UK  is

approximately 60 million.

32 million are retired.

That leaves 28 million to do the work.

There are 17 million in school or at Universities.

Which leaves 11 million to do the work.

Of this there are 8 million employed by the  UK government.

Leaving 3 million to do the work.

1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden
and fighting in Afghanistan , etc 

Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County
Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming
Invalidity Benefit.

Leaving 512,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your bum,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out
through trying to cope on my own?